First, You are so thoughtful and caring to reach out like this. The world needs more people like you. The most helpful thing you can do is just be present, loving and compassionate. A huge thing for me that I want to pass along is that when you offer to help, provide proactive suggestions, like “Hey, I am going to ___ this week, can I get ___ for you?” “I am making a bunch of phone calls to schedule ___, is there any one I can handle for you?” If the answer is no, let it be no. Dont turn it into a thing. And it may be no a few times in a row, but Keep trying. We are all learning, and learning to accept help. I also say this bc in my experience its those admin layers of life where real tangible practical help is needed, bc we are focusing on our children, spouses and keeping the boat afloat. There is nothing that makes the hair stand on my arms than a suggestionless “let me know howI can help” even if its said with honesty. To me it sounds like one more thing I have to do—come up with things and then wonder how sincere you were and if you will ever get around to them. And a little miffed bc you couldnt come up with anything to offer. For me, it’s practively offering to take care of things, or pitch in somehow. Throw in some babysitting or even just coming over to be the “on duty” adult does wonders. What also really helps, another adult on an outing of some kind, shopping, errands, appointments. It may take time to get there w the pandemic but anyway wanted to offer some thoughts.

Medical insurance navigation is a huge learning curve. Connecting them with any friends who are savvy medical billers and could help explain process of persistence in billing, and investigating codes, etc.

Your grandson and his parents are lucky to have you. You did the right thing by waiting for them to figure it out. You can't force people to accept the diagnosis before they are ready. Just keep talking, play, engaging with him.

I love your “projections”. 😆 I can guarantee you that my efforts to learn about ASD will never stop. Once I want to know something, I cant quit searching for answers!
We have been blessed with two grandchildren. This perfect, beautiful child is our first. He has been evaluated for ASD (evaluation was held up for months because of Covid) and has a diagnosis of autism. They are waiting for insurance issues to be resolved to get him the specific services he needs. In the meantime, he has speech therapy and OT online...tough to focus on.

He will never be less than perfect in my eyes, though he is a different perfect than I was expecting. I feel like the luckiest person on earth to be his grandmother. And now he has a baby brother too! Love, compassion, and offering help come easily for me. (There are layers of old, unresolved issues with my son that make his communication almost nonexistent. So I piece things together from overhearing conversations. I make myself available and the parents can see that my grandson is attached to me ❤️ but I have never been told anything directly about his diagnosis or his life. I only know what I experience when Im with him and what I overhear).

Other than the stressed/fragile relationship with the parents, I struggle with the nonverbal part of my grandson’s autism because I LOVE words. I used to teach English Language Learners so Im used to looking for nonverbal cues and listening for sounds that might mean a word. I also grew up with a family that didnt verbally express feelings so I became proficient in looking for clues in body language and facial expressions. And because I have an anxiety disorder, Im very aware of how that feels in ones body and how hard it can be.
I sometimes feel disappointed and caught off guard with the rollercoaster of advancement and regression in autism; nothing seems linear.

So I focus on is how much I love him. During those magical moments when we have eye contact and a smile, I soar to the moon with joy. Last week, he looked into my eyes, puckered up his lips like a caricature, and pulled my face over to his. I got 4 kisses in a row! Then he went back to his inner world. It was the best day ever!!!!!

Thank you so much for your help. Please feel free to add to your suggestions at any time.

Thank you all for your responses and efforts to help. I will print them out to reread as time passes. I am excited to look at all the recommended books.
You guys are the experts and in the trenches every day. I couldn’t ask for a better resource. Please feel free to add any ideas as they come to you.