Also, if there’s a particular thing they are doing wrong I will download and use a “social story” to explain a better way to handle that thing. I do this everyday for a little while, when no one is upset.

Well...Discipline...
With My Son, it was and continues hard to discern if His actions were Intentional or not, and if He even realized what He'd done and would be able to understand the affect of His actions.
It's really only a choice that a Parent or Guardian is capable of making.

My kids are 7yo. The first thing I do is check myself - my frustration might be causing an unnecessary power struggle which is bad for everyone and sets a bad example. Second, I try to understand what my kids need - I ask if they need a break, and if so (sometimes I use a sign like a hand sign for break because even tho mine are moderately verbal if they are overstimulated or stressed they may forget to use words), then I say Ok take a 3-minute break and we’ll try again, and I back off. When I come back I say I feel better, can we try again? Many outbursts, repeated behaviors, or bits of aggression are due to the frustration of not being able to get what they need. I really try to remember this because the kids can’t just fall in line and follow commands immediately, and they will act out if their needs aren’t met. If they are demanding something I make sure they know I hear/understand what they need (if its a nonverbalized need I try to guess “I think you want more mac & cheese, but its all gone. Let’s take a break and think of something else you might want”).

This book is helpful as well, the counting method gives them a chance to recognize they need to participate in rules. https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Discipline-E...

Lastly I am careful to talk about the “choices” they make, and if I get upset it is not because I am angry at them, it is because of the choice they made. I always try to remember to give them a good alternative choice they can make when they are acting out. I am hoping this allows them to maintain self esteem, and frankly it helps me stay calmer, and lastly I hope they don’t just recognize me as an obstacle in this already difficult world. ❤️

1-2-3 Magic: Gentle 3-Step Child & Toddler Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting (Positive Parenting Guide for Raising Happy Kids): Phelan PhD, Thomas: 9781492629887: Amazon.com: Books

https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Discipline-Effective-Parenting/dp/149262988X/ref=asc_df_149262988X?tag=bingshoppinga-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=80539280274493&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=m&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4584138858055563&psc=1

First thing is the diagnosis the psychological side and the behavioral side and the social side

You are right we do understand a lot more than people think. I just was not able to react to everything the right way and when things were explained to me was slow to catch on.