As a neuotypical, I can say it's the inability of the autistic people I know, to see how their negitive behavior/ comments hurts/ affects others in a negative way. In neurotyical "speak" this would be called "hypocracy". Case in point; my daughter, husband and in-laws with ASD are super-sensitive to any talk (even in writing) they think is "mean" directed at them (once I was really happy about something, wrote my sister in-law an email where I used exclaimation points and capitalized letters to express my happiness and she accused me of writing to her in a mean and disrespectful way). However, they see NO problem at all with being mean, acting rudely or being sarcastic to others. My daughter told me once recently, "I digusted her". This hurt me to the very marrow of my bones and caused me great depression and sadness. I told her very calmly (eventhough I was shaking like a leaf inside) she hurt my feeling with her comments and she said she didn't care. On the other hand, when I told her she should be more considerate of others in the morning and not make so much noise, she accused me of being "mean and abusive". Same thing with my huband and in-laws; it's as if they don't think anyone else can have their feelings hurt except them. This has had very negative consequences for our neurotypical son who sees the same hypocritical behavior and has had his heart and soul hurt beyond measure over the years. I (we) have to "walk on egg-shells" so as not to upset them but they can dish out all the verbal abuse and inconsiderate behavior they want and I'm (we're)just suppose to "take it". This is wrong. This is unkind. This is inconsiderate to the feeling and needs of others. There is no excuse for it, not even ASD.

@ Mercygirl I agree that inconsideration is inexcusable for all. The problem I see is that the NT and the ASD need to learn to communicate effectively.

First, let me mention that you are not just supposed to "take it". The correct response is to let the person know how it makes you feel and why it makes you feel that way. I guarantee that most of us with ASD would not interpret it the way you do. I am repeatedly amazed at how easily offended NTs are at things that don't seem to me to be at all offensive. Part of that is because I do not know or see the nuances or hidden meanings or the like that such things apparently contain. I am also hurt at how NTs interpret what I do or say as if I were intending to manipulate or deceive or the like. I don't like to be manipulated or lied to and I cannot do it to others. Almost every time a NT has told me how s/he interprets my motivations s/he is wrong. Those of us with ASD see NTs as being extremely inconsistent (likely because of hidden meanings, social customs and nuances that we do not know about or see occurring) and are repeatedly hurt by the biased and condemning way NTs often see us.

Inconsideration requires the refusal to take the needs and feelings of others into consideration when doing or saying something. Unless we know how others will react, which we usually don't, even after decades of intense study therof, we CANNOT do so.

Medscape claims that current research indicates that those of us with ASD have very different neuronal synaptic functioning that do NTs. Whether that ends up being so or not, it makes sense to me. EVERYTHING is different with ASD compared to NT understanding and interpretation. It is as though we are from different planets entirely. The ONLY way we can be considerate with NTs is if the NTs are willing and able to successfully and without condemnation teach us "what makes NTs tick". We do not know. And it is very clear NTs do NOT understand us.

I plead for all NTs to stop being offended at us and instead help us to understand why you are hurt by our actions or speech.

My husband has said that he just doesn't understand our son's "logic train". The way the kiddo communicates is at times overwhelming, & his reasoning processes are so different from my neurotypical hubby's.

@Autistic, you are not like my daughter, husband or his high-functioning ASD family. They lie all the time. They are dishonest. They manipulate and push people into a corner with threats. They say very hurtful things that cannot be misinterpreted as anything other than mean and hateful; "Grandma H. is pathetic. All she wants is sympathy." Sounds pretty cruel to me. Gr. H. couldn't swollow or eat any solid food anymore, had a feeding tube and they were resentful of the fact she was having trouble walking and needed care to get up to use the toilet. Or when I reached out my FIL, to plead my case that my husband was an alcoholic and to please help me, his response was, "You're lying. You just want a divorce.". Or the time my SIL asked me to watch her 3 kids right when I was having a lupus flair. I tried to explain how I was very suseptible to infection at that time and she wrote me the nastiest note telling me she didn't appreiciate me "talking down to her". So much for trying to do as you say, "the correct response is to let the person know how it makes you feel and why it makes you feel that way". When I do that the responses I get are, "You need to suck it up and stop feeling sorry for yourself".

I would think if what you're saying were universally true for all ASD people (and I do not believe that it is), if I said very kindly how not slamming cupboard doors at 5am would be appreciated so as not to wake others up, the information would be welcomed. Not so. Or if I were to ask my daughter to take her cell phone with her and keep it turned on while she goes out for her 3 hour walks so we don't become worried about her since she'll be gone for so long, the information would be welcomed. Not so. Or if I asked my SIL what we are doing for our nephews 13th birthday, over and over, so we could buy him his present, she would answer me. Not so. Or if I told my husband when he tells me I'm lazy (for no reason) despite the fact I spent days cleaning our 9,000 sq ft home + gardening our 3 acres, it hurts my feelings because 1) it's not true 2) caring for such a large home/ yard is hard work 3) I do it because it needs to be done 4) I do it because I'm trying to be a good wife/mother 5) everyone wants to feel appreciated and valued and saying such a thing does the opposite, the information would be welcomed. Not so.

You say, "the ONLY way we can be considerate with NTs is if the NTs are willing and able to successfully and without condemnation teach us "what makes NTs tick". This is not true in my situation. It makes no difference. My in-law family members do not want to be taught. They are extremely hostile to "being taught". The information is not appreciated. And please don't say it must be because I'm not successfully and without condemnation imparting the information correctly. Think "Mr. Rogers". That's me. A person can't get any more "without condemnation" than that. And it's not in my imagination. My in-law family has had terrible run-ins with others because of their behavior and treatment of others, even other ASD people! They know what they're doing. They're very high functioning. They've encountered familiar situations they have been "taught" about over and over but "prefer" (a favorite word of theirs) to act the way they want and say what they want to say.

Obviously, I am not saying all ASD people are like this. Obviously, not you. I'm just saying the motivation of some ASD people is not as innocent as it's sometimes written about in books or described by ASD people themselves. Just as there are kind, thoughtful receptive neurotyicals and not kind, not thoughtful, not receptive neurotypicals, the same can be said about people on the spectrum. ASD people need to be willing and able look at their behavior and study how and why it might be affecting someone, anyone, in a negative way. Same goes for neurotypicals. Just as you say neurotyicals shouldn't be so defensive, neither should ASD people. Just as you say neurotyicals shouldn't misinterpret the motivations of ASD people, neither should ASD people misinterpret the motivations of neurotypicals. Just as you say ASD people can't "see" the nuances and hidden meanings of neurotypicals, neurotypicals can't "see" the nuances and hidden sensory issues ASD people have. Believe it or not, whatever a ASD person is experiencing, chances are, a neurotypical is or has at some point in their life experienced it, too. The difference seems to be the degree to which it's experienced and the lessons learned or not learned from it.

Since everyone is an individual I think it would be difficult to pose a question about "autism", but I often wonder why my daughter feels the need to climb on everything, seems she can never climb high enough to satisfy herself. I also can't understand why she gets so upset about being told to go potty (when she clearly needs to go)screaming the whole way there, and then sits down and wants to sit there for awhile after she is done...sometimes for 10 or 15 minutes.